My Dog

I love my dog.

Her name is Navi. She is named after a sidekick in a video game i use to play when i was a kid. She is my sidekick.

Every night she alternates between laying down in bed with Courtney, and coming out to the lounge room to hang out with me. The little tag on her collar jingles as she wanders up and down the hallway.

Navi doesn’t concern herself with the all the bullshit that goes on in the world. Obviously she cant even comprehend the idea of a lingering nuclear war, or an Easter Sunday murder being broadcast live on the internet. But i like to think that even if she could, it wouldn’t faze her.

Right now she is trying to get to a chip that i dropped between the crack in the couch.

Material objects aren’t high on her priority list either. I’ve bought her all kinds of toys, most of the time she sniffs it once and then comes back and sits at my feet. Occasionally she will rip one to shreds within a couple of minutes, but most of the time she doesn’t really give a fuck. Shes pretty well happy as long a there’s food in her bowl and a warm place for her to sleep.

I have never seen her get angry about anything. One time we took her to the beach, and this fuckhead dog that was twice her size charged at her and bowled her over. I would have understood if she had gotten up and wanted to fight the wanker. But she just shook it off and kept enjoying her time at the beach.

Her mind isn’t plagued with thoughts of failure. shes a dog, there’s nothing she could do that would cause her to be a failure. Even if there was, i’m sure she wouldn’t care.

She doesn’t judge people. She doesn’t even know what judging means. She doesn’t care if you are addicted to drugs, have a mansion, have shitty clothes or drive some awesome car. To her, everyone is a potential source of pats. If they don’t want anything to do with her, she just leaves it and moves on.

She doesn’t worry about the opinions of others. She doesn’t pretend to be something shes not. Shes not seeking anyone’s approval, because she doesn’t need it. Unless i have a bit of food in my hand, then she will spin around when i tell her to in order to get me to give her some of said food.
Now she is asleep on the couch next to me. She doesn’t lay awake dwelling on the past, or worrying about the future. she just sleeps.

She is my best friend, and my idol.







Keeping it real is stupid.

I am noticing a pattern when it comes to my anxiety/depression. It comes in waves.  I have a week or so where I feel fantastic and make a bunch of plans for the future. I then get to enjoy about a week of questioning my motives. Then finally I have 2 or 3 weeks where everything sucks and I’m to terrified to do anything so i just lose myself in video game land.

During those bad weeks, my mind gets a bit out of control. Sleep becomes non existent.  I find problems with my relationship with Courtney that don’t actually exist. I hate my job with an unreasonable amount of passion. I worry about doing basic every day shit like talking to the guy at the servo or having to make a phone call. 

I freak out about my health, I convince myself that I am sick and that something Is terribly wrong. So I go see the doctor, only for him to tell me that repeatedly coming to see him with the same symptoms, even though I have been check out, is only going to serve to make my anxiety worse.

But they are totally real. I manifest some legit stomach pains. I get this severe pain in my chest, But only when I think about it. I get headaches whenever I think about having a headache.

There is no reason for me to be having these kind of problems. The doctor has told me this multiple times. Not in those exact words of course. He normally just say “try taken some anti inflammatorys.”

 I’m making them real by believing they are real.

The human mind is capable of doing some incredible , yet retarded things. 

But it makes me wonder about other things that I believe to be real. How many of them are actually just me fucking myself up?

I have always considered myself a bit of a realist.  I don’t let my expectations to high about anything. I try and be “honest” with myself and others about my capabilities and shortcomings. And I try not to let myself get lost in any kind of romantic fantasies about how people, or the world works. 

But I’m starting to think this has been my biggest downfall when it come to pretty much everything I have ever done.

When I’m In these bad weeks, I speak to myself in a way that I wouldn’t speak with my worst enemy…. if I had one.

“I will never be good enough.”

“Nobody really cares about me much”

“If I died tomorrow, people wouldn’t really miss me.”

“I’m pretty shit at most things”

“It’s all a waste of time”

“Things always turn to shit”

Simply by thinking like this, I’m shooting myself in the foot. Because like the stomach pains, I’m making them real by believing it. If I think I’m not good enough, then I’m not even going to try. If I think people don’t care, I’m going to make no attempt to connect with them.

Does this make sense?

I’m thinking, what would happen if I just try changing the way I speak to myself. Move away from the realist way of thinking, and into an optimistic one.

“I’m totally good enough”

“People clearly care about me or else they would still be hanging around.”

“I might be shit at a few things, but so is everyone. There are some things I’m good at though”

“If everything is a waste of time, then what does it fucking matter. Stop looking at it like it’s a bad thing and focus on doing stuff you want to do, either way it’s the same waste of time”

Obviously it will take a while for me to change this way of thinking. I’ve spent the last 26 years keeping it “real”

But in reality the world is fucking depressing and boring. That’s no way to live.

I wana be one of those annoying people who just sees the good in everything. The opportunity in situations. The silver lining on the cloud. All that lame bullshit. However unlikely it may be.

If I can give myself a fucking headache, I can give myself a better outlook on life. 

Let’s see if a still feel the same when I wake up….

Week 3/4: go hiking

To begin with, I found out that passata is a thing that everybody knows about except me.


There are entire shelves of the stuff…


I made a goal to make a goal every week for a year and I failed it within 3 weeks.

But to be fair, I was on holiday, and I did do some stuff worth mentioning, I think.

I ate muscles for the first time. They were gross, but not as gross as I expected. I would maybe eat them again if I was pressured into it.

Courtney and myself also went geocaching. It was great fun. We found some little boxes hidden in random places. We both subscribed to the app, and haven’t done it since.

I also had my first ambulance ride. I woke up with severe chest pains. So we called an ambulance. After 6 hours of sitting in Emergency getting x rays and blood tests and that ECG thing, they sent me home and told me to take panadol. So I’m assuming it may have been some kind of anxiety attack or something.

This is wife goals. Sticking by my side at 4 in the morning whilst I have a pseudo heart attack and watch man vs food on the free tv (flinders-take note)

Overall the holiday was fantastic, it was great to get away from everything for a while.

It didn’t take me long to fall back into old habits once I got home. By Tuesday I was struggling to get out of bed again. I stayed in my room until 1 In the arvo, with the same old thoughts of “what’s the point” and “I really just don’t want to” cycling around in my head.

But then I remembered this blog. I remembered that I had mad my attempts and failures public for a reason. There were at least a couple of people out there who are interested in seeing what my next goal was going to be.

So, I dragged myself out of bed and thought about what I could do. It was suggested to me that I should go hiking someplace. Sooooo…

Welcome to hiking with Nathan!

Today I’m going to share my experience of walking along a really long path.

The hallet cove boardwalk, to be precise.

Before going on any kind of hike, you need to make sure you are prepared. 

Here is a basic checklist for any would walkers out there.

1. A pair of high quality runners or hiking shoes.

2. A pair of durable, yet comfortable socks.

3. Active wear. It is not recommended that you go hiking in anything worth less than $200.

4. Sun safe gear

5. Lots of water 

6. A decent breakfast. To keep your energy levels up. 

7. Headphones. So you can listen to your motivational course that you downloaded for 15 bucks.

And last but not least…

A smile and a positive attitude.

Fuck yea. Life is awesome and stuff.

So according to the time on that selfie up there I began the walk at 1:44 pm. I didn’t really know how long it was going to take me, as last time I went hiking I was just doing it because Courtney wanted to, and I’m pretty sure I was in thongs.

I started off by walking past the cafe filled with people eating linner (lunch and dinner. I don’t know if that’s a thing, but brunch is a thing, so it should be). Then through the sandy/bushy part, until I got to my first hill.

Considered turning back. Totally didn’t.

By the time I got to the top of the hill, I was already sweating profusely. It was at this point I remembered that deodorant is probably a good idea when hiking. 

I came to a cross road.

I told myself to be a fucking man and take the stairs.

When I got the the top, they lead to nowhere, so I went back down the stairs and took the regular path.

I saw a few girls jog past me as I was walking. So I decided to do the same. I picked up the pace for about five minutes until I started to feel that  pain in my chest again. I remembered how last time I called an ambulance and it turned out to be me being a dickhead. So I slowed down, and pushed past it, and prayed I wasn’t actually having a heart attack this time.

I soon came across this bastard of a thing. 

I’m sure bridges existed when this path was built. So why the fuck..

I did it without complaints though. 

Mostly because I was on my own.

But then this happened

Why am I doing this.

By this time my water bottle was warm as fuck. So I stopped at one of those drinking fountains. You know the ones where you push the button, and the water barely comes out? So you have to put your face right up close to it in order to get anything to drink?

I want to set up a live webcam here, and just watch all the dickheads like me cop it in the face.

More walking.

More fucking stairs

I had to stop to catch my breath. I also wanted to pause my motivation course because it was doing my head in. I needed to take in my surroundings and take a environment photo for this blog.

You really can stumble across some beautiful places when you get bored enough to go looking for them.

 I was getting close to the end, I was fairly fucked, but nowhere near what I expected to be. 

I came across a robot toilet and decided this was far enough for me. I was done. I felt good about myself for coming this far. Any more would have been excessive. Those thoughts I was having whilst in bed were gone. I felt proud. I walked into the robot toilet and it begun playing my victory song

I felt good.

But then I remembered I had to go back.

Here’s me at around 4 when I made it back to the car.

Mission successful. What’s next?

No walking

Week two: in the kitchen with Nathan

When I’m on nightshift it is really hard to muster up the motivation to do anything at all.
So it was really inconciderate of me to decide to start some new year, new me bullshit this week. This is suppose to be my week of doing fuck all.
But luckily I stumbled across some website whilst searching for online courses that had a massive discount going on. I searched the word “motivation” and the first course that came up was how to build your motivation- $200 dollars, discounted to $15.

I’m not sure if I just got an insane bargain or hustled for $15 bucks. But who cares, I need motivation dammit!
The guy starts off talking about how he was apparently just like me, something about internalised character flaws, makes a statement about how his email use to have over 100 unread emails in it…


But he then made a really good point.
He said consistent small steps amount to big things.
That makes sense. See I was going to just try and smash an entire salad this week. But I know I would just gag my way through it and then be no better off than I was before.
So I’m going to be teaching you all how to cook spinach and ricotta cannelloni.I don’t actually know how to cook it myself, so this is going to be a learning experience for both of us.
This is a small step, but it’s also kind of a big deal for me: I don’t think I’ve eaten anything green since…
So here we go
Welcome too

Step 1.

To begin, you will need to get hold of these ingredients.

Don’t worry if you don’t know what the fuck a passata is, I didn’t either, so I just used tomato soup.

I also didn’t understand why I had to use not frozen frozen spinach. So I just bought not frozen spinach.

Feel free to omit the basil and parsley. One nasty green is more than enough.

Step 2.

Pour some oil in an oven proof dish, and then coat the bottom of the dish with tomato soup like so

This will create a base for your cannelloni.

Step 3.

Take your not frozen spinach and chop it up. If you are anything like me, you probably won’t want to do that. So I suggest using one of these things.

Step 4.

After spending about five minutes holding down the on button, you will notice that it isn’t actually doing anything…

Remove the half chopped spinach from the piss weak chopping machine, and bring out the big gun

You may need to add a little bit of water so the spinach is heavy enough to fall onto the blades.

Step 5.

What the fuck…

Step 6.

Combine ricotta, salt, pepper, Parmesan, and the mold looking goo you just created in a large mixing bowl

Then stir until combined.

Step 7.

You are now prabably thinking to yourself “I really don’t want to fucking eat this”

Well too bad, you committed to making a semi healthy meal for yourself. You will follow through on this.

You should also go and pre heat the oven to 190 degrees. I forgot about that.

Step 8.

Line lasagne sheet out and place some of the rancid mixture at the end of one of them 

Yes, it looks disgusting. But we are just going to cross our fingers at this point and hope by some miracle it turns out ok.

Step 9.

Roll the lasagne sheet up to form a tube and place in the oven dish. Repeat this until you have 8 tubes

They kinda look like enchiladas. I’m unsure if they are meant to or not.

Step 10.

You may find that you have made way too much of the spinach and riccota mixture. So I suggest slapping it on the top. Then pour the rest of the tomato soup over it and sprinkle with cheese.

Step 11. 

Place on oven and let it cook for roughly 25 minutes. Maybe try squeeze in a quick game of overwatch.

Step 12.

Remove the dish from the oven. 

Don’t worry about the fact that it is swiming in cheese. You can never have too much cheese.

Step 13.

Gently place a cannelloni onto a plate. Being extra careful not to slop it on the side 

Step 14.

YOUR DONE. You can now enjoy your absolutely disgusting looking, but surprisingly enjoyable, green slime caneloni

Bon appetite!
Bonus step.

You should probably clean up the huge mess you just made. But if your partner happens to be away on holidays, you can just go to bed and worry about it tomorrow.

Week One: Fix My Blog

I have decided to change the entire theme of my blog.

After reading back over a couple of my old posts, I noticed how much of a god damn whinger i am. Always complaining about all the shit i don’t do, or wish i could do, or try to do but suck at.

I kept just going round in circles without actually doing anything at all.

In my last post i talked about taking baby steps, and how my new years resolution is to start pushing past the things that have been holding me back.

But you and i both know i’m full of shit. I would have just done nothing for another week, then wrote another blog about how much nothing i did.

So i have come up with an idea.

I will be setting myself a new goal each week for the next year. My aim will be to complete said goal within said week. I will be using this blog as a way of keeping myself accountable.

I will take photos and videos when i can and if i remember, and document it all here for the entire year.

Hopefully by the time 2018 comes around i will have a cool little blog filled with a bunch of cool stuff that i did.

I have attempted to set up a suggestion box on the home page of this blog where people can give me suggestions for goals.If that works out i will fix it up and make it look better. I think i will struggle with coming up with ideas on my own, seeing as i’m not exactly a goal setter by nature.

Also i know i am kinda cheating by making this blog my week one goal. Its just that we are already 7 days in to the new year and only just came up with this idea, so i am cutting myself some slack. I need time to think of an actual goal.

I will try and make a post every Wednesday

If this actually goes alright, i will also put a bit more effort into updating the whole blog and doing better write ups and what not.

I think this is a good way of me to force myself into getting off my ass and actually doing something with my life.

Lets see how it goes ey 🙂




Doctors who ride pushbikes to work

I can almost guarantee that every morning as i am getting changed into my scrubs, at least one doctor will rock up in his Lycra push bike riding getup.


Is it not enough that you are about to literally save half a dozen lives?  you gotta be fit, healthy and environmentally conscious too?

Overachieving bastard

I dont get it. Where does that kind of drive even come from?

Heres me waking up 15 minutes before my shift starts. I end up being late because I have put my keys in the fucking fridge the night before and cant find them. Only to spend the rest of the day dreaming about going home to watch 6 episodes of workaholics.

How do i tap in to that “Im just going to do fucking everything” way of thinking?

I guess that’s the difference between myself and successful people. They just do stuff, and they keep doing stuff.

I have created some quality illustrations to show what happens when i try and do stuff.




(If you cant already tell, im really bored without Courtney here)


This is pretty much how i have done everything since as long as i can remember. If something requires any amount of effort, i give up.

So, my new years resolution (yes i’m making a resolution, i know its lame, but whatever trevor) is to start stepping over those little bumps that have always held me back. I don’t know how i will go when i get to something that is actually hard, but i’m not thinking about that right now. Just taking baby steps. I even bought a jar of pickled onions and ate two of them! pretty sure ill be full vegan in a month if i keep going at this rate.

Its that, or i try to convince the doctors to stop riding their pushbikes to work so i can feel better about myself.

Either way.


shopping for grandma

Sorry to the people who have been commenting on this whilst i was gone. I’ve been avoiding coming back here. My mood was a bit shit for the last month or so. I didn’t want to be constantly writing depressing blogs about how everything sucked, so i figured it be best to just avoid it for a while.

But i am back and ready to dribble a bunch of shit for you to read whilst sitting on the toilet.

I should probably start by addressing my current smoking status.

I am on those Champix pills now. I have accepted that i do not have the willpower to do it on my own.

Its been three weeks, and apart from a drag here and there, i don’t even want a smoke.

Sure, i have been having some crazy weird nightmares about people dying and orgy’s and other fucked up things that i would rather not talk about. I also have trouble distinguishing between reality and my dreams when i first wake up in the morning sometimes.

But if it means i can finally stop talking about wanting to quit smoking and not smoke, then its totally worth going a little crazy.

Other than that, everything has just been kinda stagnant. Saving for the wedding is going pretty well. I am still playing way too many video games. I am slightly over my job, but have also accepted that leaving it isn’t really something i can realistically do. So i may as well stop complaining about that.

The only thing different now is i have started doing a food shop for my grandma when i am not working.

mid twenties are fucking wild times hey.


I did a shop for her around lunch time today.

I don’t like shopping on the best of days. i don’t like having to interact with people i don’t know. but Apparently Wednesdays are the day the new specials catalog thing comes out. this means that there are a lot of elderly people doing there food shop on this day. I am not trying to complain about elderly people. But it is just a fact that they tend to move very slowly and don’t really pay attention to whats going on around them.

This is a problem for me because i tend to move very slowly and don’t really pay attention to whats going on around me. So we all just get in each others way all the time and don’t notice for ages.

I got stuck for a minute or so because there was an older bloke standing at the oranges. he had his trolley blocking the isle. He was picking up oranges one at a time and squeezing them and then putting them back.

I found this kind of weird, but i assumed it was something that orange eaters to check the quality of the the orange they are going to buy. So i stood there awkwardly waiting for him to move along. I was to nervous to tell him to move because i am a wuss. So i just pretended i was interested in buying some of those funny looking short bananas with the red wax on them for a while.

i don’t normally venture into the fruit and veg area unless i am with Courtney. Even then, i spend most of that time just grabbing zucchinis and eggplants and pretending they are my penis to keep myself amused. So i never actually noticed how much i don’t know about fruit and veg.

On the list there was 1kg of white flesh nectarines. i figured flesh meant skin. So i walked around in circles for about ten minutes looking for a bloody white nectarine. turns out they are all the same fucking color. its the inside that is different. would have helped if i had read the little signs i guess.

next on the list was 1 kg of peaches. I knew this time to read the signs first before going on the hunt. I found yellow peaches, and i found white peaches…

Soooooo witch one is just a basic peach? is there such a thing as a basic peach? why are there multiple versions of the same god damn fruit? i thought peaches were orange?

i went with yellow as that is closer to orange than white… i think.


they have purple grapes and green grapes.


they have purple olives and green olives.

this is why i don’t eat this fucking stuff. its all too confusing.

it was now time to head into the isles i was use to. but apparently the stuff in the specials catalog gets snapped up pretty quick, because half of it was sold out. i started texting Courtney and calling mum to try and figure out good replacements to certain items that were sold out.

i didn’t want to go to an actual checkout because that meant talking to the guy, but i also didn’t want to be that guy who try’s to squash all their crap on to one of those self serve checkouts and has to call the attendant over 100 times because there are unexpected items in the bagging area. first world problems.

im going to cut this short, because i just realized im writing a blog about doing a food shop at 2:30 in the morning. holy shit…

i totally need a life






My amazing week off work

Today marks the end of a 9 day holiday that I decided to take because I wanted to.

My original plan was to shut myself in. To allow myself to go into detox mode without any distractions. i was going to get up early every day. I was going to study a whole heap. I was going to get over smoking for good.

i planned to use this time to make myself a stronger person.

of course things didn’t work out the way I planned it. I am me after all..

The first few days were spent freaking out about the upcoming house inspection. Mostly because last time they came round for a geez, there was dust on the ceiling fan. That apparently warrants a re inspection.

we cleaned the house spotless and passed. This left me with 5 days to follow through with my original plan.

i woke up late on tuesday morning.

thats ok. Minor hiccup. Time to go to gym.

i drove to gym, because I don’t want to be paying for a place to exercise and then exercising for free. How stupid.

i sat down on one of the benches and looked around.

there were dudes with arms the size of my torso, veins popping out of their fucking forehead with each rep. Girls caked in makeup all lined up on the treadmill watching tv.

i looked at myself in the mirror. My pants had some kind of food stain on them from the night before. I had the neck beard happening. My 1 dollar beanie from eBay just barley high enough on my forehead for me to be able to see.

i thought to myself “I don’t fucking belong here”

so, without even picking up a weight. I got up and left.

Ok. So no more gym for the week. I’ll just go home and do some study.

i rocked up home, opened up my laptop, and began watching one of the lectures for the course I am trying to do.

the kid speaking couldn’t have been any older than 20. And he was speaking in words that I didn’t even know existed.

what the fuck am I doing. This kids at least 6 years under me, and is teaching a fucking uni course. Who am I kidding. I can’t do this. I’m too far gone.

so I shut my laptop.

as long as I’m not smoking, it’s all good.

I decided to play a 1 round of my game. Just to take my mind off things.

one round turned into two. Two rounds turned into five. Five rounds turned into “fuck, it’s 3 in the morning… I should probably go to bed”

i woke up even later on Wednesday.

Fuck it. What good does waking up early do anyway.

not going to go to gym. Not even going to try and study.

What the fuck should I do then…

i think I’ll play just one round…

“fuck it’s 4 in the morning….”

woke up around lunch time on Thursday. I resented myself for wasting two whole fucking days playing video games.

im not doing that today.

I got on Facebook. Did the usual scroll for something interesting.

nothing but memes. Happy snaps. Insincere posts about how wonderful life is. Pictures of stuff people had bought. Captions about how proud they were for buying it.

closed facebook.

spent the rest of the day watching pirated streams of some Netflix show until Courtney got home.

we went to a friends that night for drinks. I took my gaming console with me. Because without alcohol I’m useless at conversation.

it was fun.

woke up at lunch time on Friday. Told myself I’m not going to waste another fucking day.

opened up Facebook.

Same shit. Bullshit happy birthday from people who barely know eachother. Random crappy quotes from people I’ve never even fucking heard of.

why the fuck to i keep coming on here. It’s all just bullshit.

i started losing it.

i began posting random shit about corporations. Advertising. The things that bug me.

“what the fuck are you doing Nathan. No one cares what you have to say. You are just making yourself look like a wanker..”

so I decided I would delete my Facebook.

I don’t need it. It’s not like anyone gives a shit anyway. And I sure as fuck won’t be missing out on much. Let them talk about how much they fucking love life.

i then deleted all the games from my phone. They are just a waste of time anyway.

i deleted instagram.

I deleted WordPress.

i deleted everything.

i woke up on Saturday, and didn’t even want to get out of bed. Courtney was home though and wanted to hang out. After several attempts, she finally managed to get me out of bed.

we went food shopping and it was nice.

When we got home, i layed down on the couch. I don’t know what the fuck went through my head, but I pretty much went catatonic. Friends were calling me, I told them I was napping. Courtney tried all kinds of things to get me up, but I just didn’t want a bar of it.

i just didn’t want to be a part of the world.

i wanted to just lie there.

i wasn’t smoking, so it was ok.

by about six in the arvo I kind of snapped out of it.

we went to my dads. Dad and I played video games. It was fun…

thismorning I woke up around 8 as we had an engagement party to go to. I was in better spirits. Courtney was nervous because there were going to be some old friends there that she really missed but was worried they wouldn’t want to talk with her.

we went to the party and it was great. I was desk driver, so I only had a couple drinks. Courtney got fairly drunk and was having a great time with her old friends.

So I dropped them at the pub afterwards. And headed home.

Whilst I was at the party, I remembered that I have no social skill and can’t connect with people in real life. So I got back on Facebook.

On the way home…. I bought a packet of smokes.

i don’t even fucking know why. I just did.

when I got home, I played video games until Courtney called me to pick her up. I dropped her friends of home, put Courtney to bed, then made myself a milo, and sat down out the back with my packet of smokes to write this blog.


so there it is. My super fucking productive week. I have no drive. I have no desire. I just do stuff. I want to disconnect from the world, But I can’t. I don’t want to be a part of this bullshit game, but there isn’t really any other option. I love my fiancé, and don’t want to have to put her though bullshit like this. Sometimes I feel like I’m dragging her down. I wonder if I will ever be able to snap out of this.




I’m tired. Here’s a blog 

Hello all. Thought I would check in as I haven’t been back here in a while.

My most recent attempt at quitting smoking has been…patchy.

I went a couple weeks, got drunk and bought a pack, went a couple days, got stressed and bought a pack, went a couple more days, got bored and bought a pack, and so on.

It’s still an improvement over 20 a day I guess. But it’s starting to feel like this is just dragging on forever. It’s nearly fucking 2017! Where the hell did this year even go? What even happened this year?

Time definatly feels like it’s speeding up each year. I  think it’s because as you get older, there is less new and exiting shit for you to do, so there are less memories made. So really time isn’t speeding up at all, you are just filling up your years with less new experiences, and more fuck all.

Speaking of fuck all. I have been reading up on something called memory anchors, to try and add more tools to my quitting tool kit. 

So certain external events can have a feeling or a memory attached to them. Like when you listen to a song that reminds you of your childhood. Or how public showers remind me of how I once accidentally pooped in the shower on a school camp and had to reluctantly stamp it down the drain hole.

Those associations can trigger powerful emotions. Apparently it’s possible to take advantage of that.

So every time I’m feeling good, and confident about not smoking, I have been digging the nail of my right thumb into the knuckle of my middle finger. I’m hoping that eventually I’ll be able to perform that small action, and it will evoke those feeling that I have been trying to attach to it.

So far it hasn’t fucking worked. But I’m going to keep trying it because some guy wrote a book on it, so surely there’s something to it.

I’m also still trying to learn to code computers. I’m mostly doing this because I know that orderlies aren’t going to be around forever. I mean, they have fucking robots doing surgery now. It’s only a matter of time before someone invents a machine that will stick a fucking diathermy pad on a patients leg..

But I am getting extremely frustrated with it. I have too much self doubt and I’m fantastic at talkin myself out of doing stuff. It’s not coming easily enough to me. When things don’t come easy to me I assume they will never come to me. Is it worth me spending all this time and effort on something I will probably never even get. Now that I think about it, I don’t even really know what fucking jobs are available to someone who knows how to code. Am I wasting my time? Maybe I should just accept my fate.

On the bright side, I’ve been sticking at the gym. If I can’t do anything else, at least I can be buff… Eventually.

Why is everything such a god damn effort

Will Power

Once again, I haven’t been back here in a while. Writing this blog had started to become a chore for me. Mostly because I started trying to make it a thing. I joined a bunch of bloggers groups hoping that people would be interested in what I was writing and would come read it.

But it turns out most blogging groups are just full of lovely ladies who are trying to get as many followers as possible so that can sell something. 

There isn’t anything wrong with that I guess, but I felt weird trying to participate in discussions about demographics and other crap I don’t care about.

So I stopped:..

But now I’m back because my attempt at quitting smoking failed again. Of course it did.

I went for like 16 days or something, and then randomly bought a pack. I don’t fucking get it. You would think after a week or two you would be cruising. But noooooo, it doesn’t work like that apparently.

I have been reading about will power, and why It seems like I don’t fucking have any. They say that willpower works like a muscle. The more you use it, the stronger it gets. But if you use too much at once, then you exaughst it.

I think my problem is that I’m using up most of my willpower reserves first thing in the morning when I get up for fucking work.

So I either need to learn to love my job again, or get the fuck out of there. Option b isn’t really an option at all, so we will lock in a Eddy.

Anyway. It’s a new day. Try again..

Speaking of muscles, I’ve started back at the gym. 

There was a time when I use to hate working out. I actually wrote a song about how much I hate working out, and getting beat up. If you are it all interested, you can listen to it here The one titled “sissy”

That was before I actually tried it. I started going to gym as a way of hanging out with my brother more. He would say stuff like “you need to go to gym, don’t you want to get massive?” And I would reply with “not really but ok…”

But then something strange happened. I started to get massive. This lead to me taking photos of myself and putting them all over face book.

Like this..

I cringe so hard when I look at that photo. Look at my face… How much did I love myself. I was one of THOSE guys.

 But I liked sharing it because it felt good to be proud of myself for something. I wanted people too see that I did a thing. Still do, that’s why I put the photo on here again.

But, when you are talking about yourself, and you are using past tense more than present, then you know it’s time to lift your game.

So I’m going back. Time to flex my willpower. Get up at 5 in the fucking morning, and lift heavy things did I have muscly man boobs again.